Ask Jerry
A hook in a query letter, coming of age novel
Asked by Jack on January 23, 2021
In a novel about a young man who is unexpectedly taken from his farm to a season on a traveling carnival, does the below sentence seem like a good hook?
When Jackie stepped on the midway his fantasies were soon overshadowed by responsibilities, expectations, and the incessant pressure towards adulthood in a milieu of violence, tragedy and where heroes were spawn and where the bonds of friendship bound in the most unusual of ways.
Jerry's Answer
No, Jack, that does not work as a hook because it's 100% telling and not showing. It reads like a treatment, not a story. Show me all all this in scenes, dialogue, tension, conflict, inner monologue, etc., so you don't have to tell me. Let me deduce it. That gives me a role in the story experience.