Changing point of view
Asked by Todd LaSalle on June 6, 2020
Hi Jerry,
Writing the end of a chapter. Throughout it has been an ongoing scene between the main character and one of the other principal characters told from the maIn character’s point of view. They have just gone through a life threatening event and the main character lags behind while the secondary character shoots ahead and comes across some soldiers that are looking for them. This scene is described by the secondary character. The soldiers are headed for the main character’s position. This sets us up for the next chapter, which is again told by the main character. Thoughts about changing point of view in this instance. Transition passage posted below.
The two fugitives marched along in silence, making their way through ferns and tangled weeds, but at a slower pace. After an hour passed, Devlin grew bored and scooted ahead. Olivet hung back.
Devlin scurried across a few logs, jumped on top of some rocks and hit the ground running until he misjudged a step.
Jerry's Answer
I think that works as a transition to the new perspective character. Of course, stick with Devlin until it's time to switch back, and then make that switch crystal clear too.
The two [stick with one perspective character, even thought the two are together here] fugitives [this sounds like explaining/telling; won't the reader know they're fugitives?] marched along [along is not needed] in silence[you don't have to say they were silent; just don't have them saying anything and we'll know], making their way through ferns and tangled weeds, but at a slower pace[resist the urge to explain; if they're making their way through tangled weeds, we need not be told they're going slower]. [need a new paragraph here if you're switching perspectives]After an hour passed[passed is unneeded], Devlin grew bored and scooted ahead. Olivet hung back[that Devlin scooted ahead implies that Olivet hung back].
Devlin scurried across a few[a few is unneeded] logs, jumped on top of some[ditto] rocks and hit the ground running until he misjudged [show, don't tell] a step.
Olivet trudged through ferns and tangled weeds, Devlin on his heels.
After an hour, Devlin whispered, "I'm bored. Let's go!" and scooted ahead. He scurried over logs, jumped atop rocks, and hit the ground running. But soon he found himself face down in the dirt.