Changing tense in sections of memoir
Asked by Bill Tamulonis on August 27, 2020
In a memoir, I'm considering writing a few sections in the present tense to create more immediacy and intensity. Below is an example about boot camp. What do you think of this technique? Or should I stay in past tense for everthing?
I step off the bus at Paris Island to the screams of drill instructors with Smokey the Bear hats yelling at me and calling me every foul name they can think of. They put all the recruits in a barracks, order “lights out” at 9 pm, then blast us awake at 6 am rolling metal trashcans down the tile floor. What the hell is going on?
“Fall in! Fall in!” the drill instructor shouts. I do not even know what “fall in” means and they march us over to the induction center. The first thing they do is make me take off all my clothes down to my underwear and order me to pack up all my personal belongings, roll them up in brown paper, tie them with a string and write my home address on it. Gone. I have no personal belongings besides the underpants I’m wearing.
Jerry's Answer
Why not write the whole thing that way, Bill? Pick a tense and stick with it. :)
That said, here are a few suggested tweaks:
I step off the bus at Paris Island to the screams of drill instructors with Smokey the Bear hats yelling [the screams were yelling at you?] at me and calling me every foul name they can think of.
Try this:
I step off the bus at Paris Island to the screams of drill instructors in Smokey the Bear hats calling me every foul name they can think of. They send all the recruits to a barracks, order lights out at 9 pm, then blast us awake at 6 am by rolling metal trashcans down the tile floor. What the hell is going on?
“Fall in! Fall in!” the drill instructor shouts. I don't even know what “fall in” means, but they march us to the induction center. They make me strip down to my underwear and pack up all my personal belongings, roll them in brown paper, tie them with a string, and write my home address on it. Gone. My underpants are the last of my belongings.