Ask Jerry
Description as separate element?
Asked by Ora McCarthy on September 1, 2020
Hi Jerry,
After participating in your lecture on description, I'm concerned about the following paragraph in my WIP:
Wooden walls, greyish rather than the brown they ought to have been, met the porch only reluctantly. Here and there fallen boards left gaps which showed the shadowy underside of the house. A foul smell hung over the outhouse, a clapboard affair too close to the footpath for comfort.
Is this description as a separate element or is it fine as is? If it needs improvement, could you give me some tips on how to work it into the action? I think most of my novel-to-be is pretty free of this stuff, but I'm struggling with this one example.
Thank you!
Jerry's Answer
It's short enough to not be a major issue, Ora, but it does ring a bit of writtenese. I'd try something like this:
[Main Character] mounted the porch where gray walls--that would have matched the house had they been brown--seemed to exist only reluctantly. Fallen boards left gaps, exposing the shadowy underside of the house. A foul smell hung over the clapboard outhouse, too close to the footpath for comfort.