Passion Paradox
Asked by Roseanne Schmidt on April 7, 2020
Hi Jerry,
After years of nothing, I joined your guild, and I've been ferociously self-editing neglected WIPs, for example:
*Original*
Little happened as far as dreams went. At least for me, I hardly ever dreamed. Ok, correction, I hardly ever dreamed and remembered it. I sometimes got those feelings, you know, the ones you get when you know you dreamed something cool and worth writing down. Only by the time you come to, and pick up a pen, you can’t remember diddly-squat. Yeah, I just like to go with the who I don’t dream deal. It’s easier to explain.
So, I guess it would be more useful to say that I was asleep. Stuck in a fruitless abyss of nothingness. It felt like it lasted about five minutes, before I opened my eyes. The clock was aimed right at my face, clearly visible: 10:34. Hem, I actually slept.
*Edit*
Insomniacs Anonymous would be thrilled; I slept three hours straight.
Is it possible to F.S.E. too much? I'm nervous that I might be. Thanks tremendously.
Regards!
Jerry's Answer
No, Roseanne. Your second attempt said everything you were trying to say in that original boring bit of throatclearing. :)
And if you did use the end of the original, you can still drastically streamline it. Bracketed stuff can be deleted.
It [felt like it lasted] seemed I slept about five minutes. [before I opened my eyes.] [If you saw the clock, we don't need to be told your eyes were open, or that it was aimed right at your face or that it was visible] The clock [was aimed right at my face, clearly visible:] read 10:34. [Hem,] [do you mean Hmm?] [I actually slept.] [already established]