Pitch

Hi, Mr. Jenkins!
I appreciate that you critiqued my pitch in your workshop! Thanks! The training was really valuable… it’s quite hard to learn to distill ideas like that. I took away a lot… including that mine obviously wasn’t clear enough😂
You said once before you’d be happy to evaluate short pitches here, so I wondered if you could tell me if my revised pitch is any better? I’d love any thoughts and comments.
Pitch:
My story is about two princes—a usurper’s heir with a kingly heart; vs a peasant boy who discovers he’s the son of the previous true king. They continually clash as the peasant prince tries to find his elder twin, while the usurper’s heir struggles to choose whether to do what he knows is right—or follow his grandfather’s orders and wipe out the true royal family.
Thanks for all the great stuff you do!