POV question
Asked by Denise Franck on December 30, 2020
I'm sketchy on POV. This short story is 3rd person omniscient. To me, it works (mirror cliche too). I added a storyteller to relate the tale. I rewrote the part where Merry Anne appears so the POV transitions. A bit of the story, does POV work? The man doesn't appear until part way through the story, he's not the MC. A writing group dinged me earlier for changing POV. Many thanks.
The air smelled damp. He tested the bed. All good, he thought, burrowed under the covers and fell asleep from the booze.
He did not see the greenish gleam that lit the room as Merry Anne stared in the mirror at the lovely woman with rounded breasts and flashing emerald eyes. He didn’t see her touch her cheek, desiring to feel warm flesh. Alas, the skin under her fingertips felt glacial and gossamery. The river had triumphed once again.
Sparks flew as she spun about. He slumbered peacefully, this man who thought her story a titillating sham. She reached out a hand and stroked his arm.
Jerry's Answer
My contention, Denise, is that this is why the omniscient POV has fallen out of favor.
The air smelled damp. He tested the bed. All good, he thought, burrowed [burrowing] under the covers and fell [falling] asleep from the booze.
[I would delete this: He did not see the] A greenish gleam [delete: that] lit the room as Merry Anne stared in the mirror at [if she's staring in the mirror, it seems weird to refer to the lovely woman, so I'd delete: the lovely woman with] her rounded [aren't most breasts rounded?]breasts and flashing emerald eyes. [I would delete the obvious: He didn’t see her] She touched her cheek, desiring to feel warm flesh. Alas, [delete: the] her skin [delete the obvious: under her fingertips] felt glacial and gossamer[glacial and gossamer are oxymoronic; how could it feel both? I'd recommend picking one or the other]. The river had triumphed [delete: once] again.
Sparks flew as she spun about. He slumbered peacefully, this man who thought her story a titillating sham. She reached out [delete the obvious: a hand] and stroked his arm.
So:
The air smelled damp. He tested the bed. All good, he thought, burrowing under the covers and falling asleep from the booze.
A greenish gleam lit the room as Merry Anne stared in the mirror at her breasts and flashing emerald eyes. She touched her cheek, desiring to feel warm flesh. Alas, her skin felt glacial. The river had triumphed again.
Sparks flew as she spun about. He slumbered peacefully, this man who thought her story a titillating sham. She reached out and stroked his arm.