Query Letter
Asked by Robert Prins on February 10, 2024
Hi Jerry,
I'm working on a query letter for a literary agents and I was wondering if I could get another eye on my letter to see if it's any good?
I’m Robert J Prins, and I am seeking representation for my Christian based fantasy novel: Aquila’s Journey to keep the kingdom, which is full of unexpected twists and turns, action, suspense, drama, and faith based.
The Kingdom of Hasta is torn by civil war, where a rebel is trying to dethrone the king. Meanwhile, Aquila, a young man, has been taken hostage by bandits, and the king is also dying. Will the rebel ascend to the throne? Will Aquila escape from the bandits? Will the king live or die?
PS: I had self-published my first book a year or two ago without knowing the ways of self-publishing versus traditional publishing. I am now seeking to go through traditional publishing. I would also love here any feedback from you. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Robert J Prins
www.robertjprins.net
Any thoughts? Thanks.
Jerry's Answer
[delete, as they'll know who you are with your signoff at the bottom: I’m Robert J Prins, and] I am seeking representation for my [I would change this to faith-based, as these are more commonly referred to in the industry: Christian based] fantasy [delete as fantasy makes novel redundant novel]: Aquila’s Battle To Save the Kingdom [suggesting a more active title here], [delete: which is] full of [redundant; unexpected is what twists and turns are :) unexpected] twists and turns, action, and suspense.[delete: , drama (assumed), and faith based.]
The Kingdom of Hasta is torn by civil war [delete , where] with a rebel is trying to dethrone [delete the] a dying king. Meanwhile, [no need to name him here; the idea is the point Aquila, a] my protagonist, a young man [delete:, has been] taken hostage by bandits [does specifically what to escape and keep the rebel from ascending to the throne?] [delete all this; the last thing an agent or a potential publisher wants is questions; they want to know what happens; you're not trying to lure them in the way you would a typical reader: and the king is also dying. Will the rebel ascend to the throne? Will Aquila escape from the bandits? Will the king live or die?]
[I would not tell them this; the self-publishing effort is moot and will not impress them, and they know you're seeking representation; don't ask for feedback; that's not their job; it will be a yes, send us a proposal or some chapters or the whole thing, or it will be a no PS: I had self-published my first book a year or two ago without knowing the ways of self-publishing versus traditional publishing. I am now seeking to go through traditional publishing. I would also love here any feedback from you.] Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Robert J Prins
www.robertjprins.net
Without all my hen scratchings:
Dear [specific name]:
I am seeking representation for my faith-based fantasy: Aquila’s Battle To Save the Kingdom, full of twists and turns, action, and suspense [aimed at what market? YA or Middle Grade?].
The Kingdom of Hasta is torn by civil war, with a rebel trying to dethrone a dying king. Meanwhile, my protagonist, a young man taken hostage by bandits [does specifically what to escape and keep the rebel from taking the throne?]
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Robert J Prins
www.robertjprins.net