Self-Editing
Asked by Madison Lorfing on April 16, 2020
Jerry, thank you for all your help so far! Here’s another short piece of my writing. Could you tell me if it still needs work as far as self-editing goes? I’m trying to improve. (I’m loving the repair and rewrite sessions!)
The hooded figure stays still. “Kira Ashi.”
I rest my good hand on the hilt of my dagger, fastened at my belted waist. “How did you know?”
The figure moves closer. “Educated guess. You confirmed it.”
I jerk my dagger out of its sheath. “Take a step closer, and I’ll kill you.” It’s a gamble. I keep my face straight as stone.
“With that arm? You’d be hard-pressed to even slap me with it.”
“It’s a good thing I only do slapping with my dominant hand. But I’ll admit I don’t make a practice of slapping strange people.”
“I’ll admit I don’t make a practice of killing women, either.” He pulls back his hood to reveal a scarred face. “But you’re not innocent.”
“One step closer, and you’ll be another dead reason I’m not innocent.”
Jerry's Answer
[what I put in brackets are suggested deletions and an explanation of why]
The hooded figure [stays still.] [if you don't describe him doing anything else, we know he stays still] says, “Kira Ashi.”
I rest my good hand on the hilt of my dagger, fastened at my belt[ed waist] [resist the urge to explain; we know where belts are :) ]. “How did you know?”
The figure moves [closer] [closer than what?] toward me. “Educated guess. You confirmed it.”[I'd pick one of these and delete the other]
I jerk out my dagger [out of its sheath] [we know]. “[Take a]One step closer[, ]and I[’ll] kill you.[cut dialogue to the bone wherever you can]” It’s a gamble. I keep my face straight as stone.
“With that arm? You’d be hard-pressed to even slap me [with it].”
[“It’s a good thing I only do slapping with my dominant hand. But I’ll admit I don’t make a practice of slapping strange people.”] [really slow and strange, as she's wielding a dagger; slapping should be the least worry for either]
“Slapping is not what I have in mind.”
“[I’ll admit] I don’t make a practice of killing women[, either].” He pulls back his hood to reveal a scarred face. “But you’re not innocent.”
“One more step [closer] [to avoid echo from previous,] and you’ll be another [dead] [resist the urge to explain; we get it] reason I’m not [innocent].”
So:
The hooded figure says, “Kira Ashi.”
I rest my good hand on the hilt of my dagger, fastened at my belt. “How did you know?”
The figure moves toward me. “Educated guess.”
I jerk out my dagger. “One step closer and I kill you.” It’s a gamble. I keep my face straight as stone.
“With that arm? You’d be hard-pressed to even slap me.”
“Slapping is not what I have in mind.”
“I don’t make a practice of killing women.” He pulls back his hood to reveal a scarred face. “But you’re not innocent.”
“One more step and you’ll be another reason I’m not.”