Thoughts on this piece appreciated- Thanks Jerry
Asked by Liezl Anderson on September 6, 2020
The bathroom tiles woke my sleeping feet. Careful not to disturb Rick, who knew I wasn’t usually the first one up, I locked the door. The foil of a familiar pregnancy test shimmered in my hand as if to disguise its ability to squash dreams, I tore it open and whispered a prayer that begged a different answer. The results would take only 2 minutes, but for us, the wait had already been 3 years. Each one had ushered in a deeper ache- silent and unseen by those around us who seemed to have every reason to believe that children arrived when you wanted them to. Instead, our monthly descent into disappointment ate away at my hope and forced me to face a God who doesn’t always give us what we want. The longing for a child pressed into my chest, making it harder to look at the pink line appearing. I needed two lines to lead us back to the life we had planned, a life with children, and “A whole rugby team of them!” as Rick had joked when we dated. Plans I was so sure of that tucked away in my..
Jerry's Answer
First, Liezl, your opening sentence is redundant. Bathroom tiles couldn't wake feet that weren't asleep, could they?
Also, I think the phrase who knew I wasn’t usually the first one up is unnecessary and slows the story.
And the rest is complicated with what I call written-ese -- writing that draws attention to itself. Here's how I'd render that, so the emphasis is on the longing, the story, not the prose:
I tore open the pregnancy test and whispered a prayer. We had already waited three years, our monthly disappointment eating away at my faith in a God who doesn’t always give us what we want. The longing pressed into my chest. I needed two lines to lead us to the life we had planned, one with children, “a whole rugby team!” as Rick had always wanted.