Transition from Setting to Action
Asked by Sarah Boyd on May 23, 2020
I have been trying to introduce a new location through the MC's POV (Timothy), but I am having difficulty making it not sound too awkward or detailed. Afterwards, the story immediately plunges into action which is hinted through show (i.e. the horse reared).
Should I build up to the action or just dive right in?
The travel-worn, dirt path they traveled on crunched beneath hooves.
Daylight slowly fading, Timothy beheld a large town. A barrier encompassed the town, which was at least twenty feet tall. Dwarfing the town with its brilliance, towered a great castle. Cast in an orange and red glow, the castle’s walls shimmered like pearls.
Timothy moved his mouth in silent admiration. “Whoa.”
Mathias smiled. “Elmerston. The oak is Old Elmer. That tree is practically a religious symbol to this town. The castle is Penipula, home to the royal family."
Nostrils flared, Mathias’ horse reared, suddenly agitated. Startled, Timothy clutched at Mathias’s cloak.
Jerry's Answer
The key, Sara, is to make the description not a separate element but rather part of the action/story. You're right to do it through your main character's point of view, but because we're seeing it, in essence, from his perspective, you don't need to say he beheld or saw. Just describe whatever it is and we know he saw it.
You also do a little too much explaining, like talking about the path and adding they traveled on. Neither do you need to explain that a rearing horse is agitated or that Thomas is startled (show, don't tell).
The silent admiration and the "Whoa" don't add anything. You already have way too many things going on: a large town, a 20-foot barrier, a castle (it's dwarfing, brilliant, towering, glowing, and shimmering), and an oak with a name and symbolism,
So I would suggest being very selective with your adjectives and letting some of this stuff (like the name of the tree and the castle) emerge as the story progresses. I'd render it this way:
The travel-worn,[delete comma] dirt path crunched beneath Timothy's horse.
As daylight slowly faded, a large town encompassed by a barrier at least twenty feet tall came into view. A great castle dwarfed the town, its orange and red walls shimmering like pearls.
"Home to the royal family," Mathias said, smiling. His horse suddenly reared, and Timothy grabbed for the man's cloak.